Trouble in Paradise

By the time you read this nonsense, one of our beloved Idol phenoms will probably have kissed their reality fame au revoir, so we weigh in on the good bad, and Abdul-utely crazy antics on AI years past, par-tick '08. And why is our fave misunderstood couple's PDA comin' to a halt? Plus, Orlando Bloom is so not kidding anybody. Why does he keep trying?

Weird La Lohan girlie crap comin' your way, but first, about that overly boyish Idol blowout (much more tomorrow, too):

The Archuleta-Cook-off last night was pure American Idol: cheesy as cheddar, more drawn out than the Triassic period and more melodramatic than a tele-novela. We were particularly pleased to find these fine fellas in the finale, though a gal sure woulda been nice. First, Hillary Clinton has to disappear, now Carly, too? Gross, but whatev. 'Course we’re obvs partial to the more do-able and stage-dad-free Davey, but Arch-babe could belt out a Disney ballad like nobody’s biz, and let’s face it, that’s a big-ass part of the Biz.

But it hasn’t just been these two talented lads all season long—believe it or not, there was a bevy of other hopefuls, tho all your ADD-addled minds prolly forgot most of ‘em just they forgot their lyrics. Let’s take a look back at the sage Idol-isms we learned from somewhat obsessively watching season seven. We’ll miss Paula’s on-air Abdul-usions twice a week, but we’ll be happy to welcome back our Tuesday and Wednesday nights free from the depths of reality-show ruckus. Other lofty lessons realized:

Do: Have a sick brother like David Cook did to win you some sympathy votes. Actually, we sure hope ya don’t have a sick sibling, knock on wood, but a tragic backstory works like gangbusters to get the public invested in you, hankie at the ready.

Don’t: Have an overprotective, puppeteer-like stage parent like D.A. has, the kind who gets eighty-sixed from the set for knocking noggins with the producers. Then again, would Lindsay Lohan be the Lindsay Lohan if not for her stunningly highlighted stage mom running (and some say ruining) her childhood?

Do: Add a piece of equipment to your performance. Half of the Top 12 played instruments along with being singers. So when your mamacita tells you to pick up your violin and practice, you'd better damn well listen.

Don’t: Add or subtract words. Brooke White, Jason Castro, Davey A. all forgot their lyrics or stopped midverse, usually followed by a mighty tsk-tsking from the judges, who really shouldn’t be throwing stones...since Paula had too many words to describe performances she never even saw. If the guys on The Hills can follow their scripts, why can’t you, Idol peeps?

Do: Sing about America, as schmaltzy daring Kristy Lee Cook did...and David Archuleta.

Don’t: Sing about Jesus, as Carly S. did with "Jesus Christ Superstar." Questioning and doubting the Almighty’s tactics in rock opera form, with an Irish brogue no less, doesn’t sit too well with nonmusical movie junkies in America’s Bible Belt.